The Hospital (2013)

TH0

Samuel Johnson once famously wrote, “A man with an opinion is like a dog with a flintlock: almost always a waste of both items. Now where’s my bloody absinthe?”

People seem fully conscious of their right to an opinion on anything, especially in the Internet Age, but they’re less willing to admit how little anyone else actually values it. Oh, your friends will support you, usually because they agree with you. Or if you’re a celebrity, because obviously fame grants you automatic legitimacy in the eyes of Yahoos who crack one off to your movie nude scenes in their bedrooms. Personally, as much as Sandra Bullock might turn me on in the small dark hours of the night, her opinions on politics means less to me than the chewing gum on my shoe.

You get a sense of how worthless opinions can be when you read some of the user reviews of a low-budget independent horror movie on IMDb. Glowing to a degree that would be lethal if it was gamma radiation instead of bullshit, these reviews from the obvious families and friends of the filmmakers are so sycophantic that they could be replacement parts for a Human Centipede. The way they go on, you’d think that they’d just watched STAR WARS IN CASABLANCA WITH THE GODFATHER AND CITIZEN KANE. Such unrealistic praise inevitably invites a chorus of disapproval.

I don't care if it isn't really an exit... GO OUT THAT DOOR!

I don’t care if it isn’t really an exit… GO OUT THAT DOOR!

This is what happened with the subject of my latest review, THE HOSPITAL (2013), directed by Tommy Golden and Daniel Emery Taylor (who also co-wrote and starred in it). In response to some user reviews overly praising this movie, there was a slew of people out for critical blood, condemning it as the worst piece of celluloid ever, cinematic excrement and morally-depraved garbage with no redeeming values whatsoever.

I’m leaning in that direction, though perhaps not to such extremes.

The movie has gained some notoriety on my side of the Atlantic, when the British supermarket chain Tescos withdrew the DVD from sale following a complaint about the contents, and when the Bulgarian government banned it outright from their country. Really? Bulgaria? Wasn’t that the country where Baron Bomburst and the Child Catcher lived? Is it still a badge of honour if you can get a country to ban your movie in this day and age?

Ladies and gentlemen, our co-director, co=writer and star, Daniel Emery Taylor...

Ladies and gentlemen, our co-director, co-writer and star, Daniel Emery Taylor…

Anyway, the movie opens with some nobody girls pulling up to an abandoned hospital in the middle of nowhere, unable to get a signal on their phones, and decide to have a look around, one of them literally asking, “What’s the worst that can happen?”

They and we find out as we cut to them stripped to their panties, cuffed, bloodied, and being raped by a portly guy in coveralls and a definite inbred expression (Taylor). One of the women escapes, but gets stabbed with a grappling hook for her troubles. The credits role, and we helpfully get clips of the actors to go with their names, so we remember them later (Spoiler Alert: it doesn’t work).

With today's technology, FX can look shitty for less money than ever...

With today’s technology, FX can look shitty for less money than ever…

After the credits (which include ‘Guest Stars’, something I didn’t think was applicable for a movie) we look in on a small town diner, where paranormal student Beth (Constance Medrano) makes everyone drop their cups and cutlery when she announces that as part of her studies she’s visiting… St Leopold’s Hospital! Dum Dum DUM! Some Crazy Old Fart warns her not to go, but Beth doesn’t look too bright. My assumptions are confirmed as she goes up alone and encounters caretaker Stanley Creech (Taylor), the previously-seen rapist and killer. He exudes Creepy Vibes like a teenager drenched in Right Guard, but this does not make an impression on Beth.

We then fade to later, when she’s bent over a table, leather strap in her mouth while Stanley rapes her from behind.

Seriously, if you aren't alarmed by the creepy guy MOPPING UP BLOOD IN FRONT OF YOU, maybe you deserve what you get?

Seriously, if you aren’t alarmed by the creepy guy MOPPING UP BLOOD IN FRONT OF YOU, maybe you deserve what you get?

Now, let’s talk about nudity for a moment. I don’t care how much you’re getting paid to do it, it takes more guts than I’ll ever have to take off your clothes in front of other people, and be captured like that on video for all eternity, and that’s even before having to portray being a victim of vile acts. So I applaud those willing and able to go through with it, not just Constance Medrano but all the other women in this film.

I just wish they had a better movie in which to do it.

Later on, we meet two sleazebags running a supposed production company filming a paranormal reality show in the old hospital, though why anyone would fall for their shitty webpage ad is beyond me; those fake tunnels Wile E Coyote used to paint on the sides of mountains were more convincing. But they do attract a number of young women, including one of those Purity Ring virgin types. And Stanley, who’s keeping Beth tied up as a pet, is helping these sleazebags capture, rape, torture and kill these women, so they can sell the videos to Eastern Europe’s snuff market.

Is that Eminem under that?

Oh the things you do to cover those embarrassing zits…

That sounds horrible. No wait, not horrible – bullshit. They’re exporting snuff films to the Third World? That’s like selling kaiju movies to the Japanese. Human life isn’t exactly at a premium in the Third World. They use their children as firewood, severed heads are a legal currency in at least three countries, and the mass graves in Vukova are known locally as Disneyland Croatia. Unless there’s a market for pasty talent-free American girls being raped, cut, having their teeth pulled out and their nipples cut off… and all done either off camera or ineptly. About the only thing we see in explicit detail are the nude women, all hairless from the scalp down. Seriously, does nobody appreciate the lady garden anymore?

The acting ranges from Keanu Wooden to Cage Whackjob, without anyone settling comfortably in the middle. There’s a twist offered by a cameo from an alumnus of the TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE franchise, who ends up dying in a very undignified way. The kills we see are CGI, and as crap as you’d expect (I’d rather see shit practical effects than shit computer ones). I don’t think this would even satisfy people who get off on this sort of thing; you can get better examples online.

Thank Bela he's around to keep us family-friendly...

Thank Bela for keeping us family-friendly…

Are there any redeeming qualities? Sure. The DVD cover looks cool, even if it’s filled with fake quotes from non-existent sources. It has a theme song (“Stanley’s Gonna Getchya!”) that reminded me of those Freddy Krueger songs they put out in the 1980s NIGHTMARE ON ELM STREET movies. Taylor has a menacing presence onscreen. There was a twist in the film I wasn’t expecting.

So… “Not the Worst Movie Ever Made” . You can use that on the cover if the movie gets reissued, Mr Taylor.

THE HOSPITAL is out there, waiting for the unsuspecting. The trailer is below, with the aforementioned theme song.

Deggsy’s Summary:
Director: Tommy Golden and Daniel Emery Taylor
Plot: 2 out of 5 stars
Gore: 2 out of 10 skulls
Zombie Mayhem: 0 out of 5 brains
Reviewed by Deggsy. So you don’t have to watch it. You’re welcome.

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Comments
4 Responses to “The Hospital (2013)”
  1. Ewww this just sounds horrible. As if its trying too hard to be shocking. Great review by the way 🙂

    Like

  2. Someone forwarded me your review on Tumblr. I found it quite entertaining! As far as the bad effects go, I will definitely cop to that as our VFX artist had GREATLY overstated his abilities which left us trying to piece some things together … so, in that regard, there’s some embarrassing stuff in there. But, we set out to make a film that stood out from most everything else on the market and, in that, we succeeded. We just wrapped on a sequel (starring Debbie Rochon and Betsy Rue) that will look better if nothing else. 😉

    Like

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